When my plans aren't HIS plans....

"God I look to You. I won't be overwhelmed. Give me vision to see things like You do. God I look to You. You're where my help comes from. Give me widom, You know just what to do..."

                                                                                                      God I Look To You- Jenn Johnson

Brace yourself for this one. It is probably going to be loooooong.....

As I stated in earlier posts, we have been on a path of infertility for some time now. 26 months to be exact (a short time for some on this road but not so short for the ones walking it). If you know very much about fertility related things, you probably are aware that most doctors will reccommend fertility testing after a year of "trying" to conceive. Our year mark came in December of 2011 and in February of 2012 we proceeded with a host of fertility tests. That is an emotional and challenging process in and of itself but I won't bother you with those details. Lets just say that after several tests, lots of bloodwork, and a round of "crazy-inducing" hormones, all of our results came back perfectly normal. "WHEW! What a relief!"....that is what I thought I would feel like when I found out there wasn't a problem. Instead, I felt a little discouraged and overwhelmed. If there wasn't a reason for not getting pregnant then why on earth was it not happening?

Fast forward a few more months. Now we have been trying for a year and a half and I still don't have an answer as to why we aren't pregnant. By this point, I am beyond discouraged and quite frankly down-right hopeless. In all honesty, I was a bit of a basket case and I'm pretty sure I spontaneously burst into tears at least once a day. Not really a place you want to be. On top of the emotional ups and downs, I was anrgy. Angry that my plans weren't going according to plan, anrgy that other people got pregnant so easily, and mostly angry at God. I was furious that a God who supposedly loved me seemed to be with-holding so much love from me. Was I not good enough to be a parent? Had I not served Him well enough? What was so horrible about us that we couldn't have the blessing of children? What had I done to deserve this burrden?

I was in new territory. In all my life, I can never recall questioning God like I began to do during those months. I almost didn't recognize myself anymore. Who was this person that was so bitter and when was the real me going to return? I was amazed at the sin and flesh that warred so strongly in my heart. I was humbled by this realization as well. I knew that I needed to learn to choose to believe God again on His truths even if it didn't feel like what I wanted at the time. This brings me to my turning point.....well, at least the start of my turning point. Mother's Day, May 2012.


Sunday, May 13, 2012. 

As I drove to church, I resolved that I was NOT going to cry today. I've spent too much time shedding tears over this matter and I will not be broken today. I am not going to show my hurt and pain to anyone at church. I just want to get this day over with and go home so I can privately wallow in my own misery.  That day I was painfully aware of the fact that we had not gotten pregnant, yet again. My physical and circumstantial evidences screamed at me loud and clear that we were still childless. I remember making my way to my seat in the front pew and telling myself that I just had to hold it together for the next hour or so and then I could leave. Worship began and I was not at all interested in giving praise to God in that moment. Then it started. Our worship pastor began to sing...

" If my heart is overwhelmed and I cannot hear your voice, I'll hold on to what is true though I cannot see. If the storms of life they come, and the road ahead gets steep, I will lift these hands in faith.... I will believe."

and it continued....

" I remind myself of all that you've done. And the life I have because of your son. Love came down and rescued me, love came down and set me free. I am Yours. I am forever Yours. Mountain high or valley low, I sing out to remind my soul that I am Yours. I am forever Yours."

There it was. That nudging in my spirit to make a choice to REMEMBER what God had already done for me and to choose, even in the valley low, to lift my hands in faith and believe. Not to believe that my plans would come to pass but to believe that God loved me, and still had a plan for me, and that He was indeed good. And that is exactly what I did. I lifted my hands and the tears came. They came and would not stop. I didn't care who saw anymore because despite my great efforts, I was indeed broken and there was no hiding it. I HAD to worship. I HAD to sing out so that I could REMIND my soul that I was His. I needed to remind my soul of His truth. Please note the key word is remind. I, like the Israellites, needed to remind myself of His love and goodness.

So much has unfolded since that moment and I look forward to sharing those details with you soon. In the meantime, if you find yourself in a low place, maybe even a dark place, I encourage you to choose to remind yourself of God's truth. It isn't always easy to do but I promise you it will be worth the effort.

A Time to Share

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven... Ecclesiastes 3:1

This past Fourth of July we had our annual Keyser Family Reunion. It was so much fun and we all had a wonderful time catching up and making memories. We played hard, laughed a lot and ate way too much food (but man was it good)! We have been doing this family reunion for as long as I can remember and it is always one of the highlights of my year. This year was extra special because we got to celebrate my cousin Katherine's first baby! (She is currently 5 months pregnant with Caroline Elise!) Anyway, all of the women of the family got together for some fabulous punch and cupcakes and celebrated Caroline in true Keyser style. Katherine got some great gifts and some good advice as well! After opening all her gifts, we had a time of prayer for Katherine and baby Caroline. All of my aunts and girl cousins (and my grandmother) gathered around and laid hands on Katherine. We asked for God to bless their family and keep Katherine and Caroline safe throughout the process. After that, something else happened that touched my heart in an enormous way- they prayed for me. For those of you who don't know, my sweet husband, Tommy, and I have been on the journey of infertility for the past 18 months. It has been one of the most difficult seasons I have ever walked through and I look forward to the day that it is a season of the past. Anyways, on that day, my mom, my grandmother, my aunts and cousins gathered around me and began to pray again. They prayed for comfort and peace, strength and health, and they asked God to give life where it has yet to be given. It was such a sweet and powerful moment and I believe with all my heart that we will get to see God answer our prayers very soon. What a blessing it is to have a family that will stand by you and pray for you when things are good and when they are bad! I can't write about this moment without also taking the time to mention the generosity of my sweet cousin Katherine. My loving cousin graciously shared with me a time that was intended specifically for her and in doing so, she allowed me a precious gift. Thanks Katherine for being such a wonderful cousin and friend throughout the years- I can't wait for the many years to come! Oh and one more thing, do you know what Caroline means? It means "song of happiness and JOY"...before she is even born, this little baby is bringing a song of happiness and joy into the lives of others!! Thank you God for the many blessings you have given to our family - and thank you for your never ending faithfulness! We wouldn't stand a chance without you.

Sweet Friendship...

I read something today that caught my attention and warmed my heart. Now, I am not sure where this definition was originally listed but I happened upon it while reading A Love that Multiples, the latest book by Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar (yes, I read their books and watch their show- I love that family!). Anyhow, the definition was for the word Fellowship- “the oneness of spirit enjoyed by those on the same side of a struggle”.  For me, the first real fellowship that I can remember (that wasn’t from immediate family) started somewhere back in first grade with my dear friend Candace. I don’t remember exactly where that friendship began but if I had to guess, I’d be willing to bet it started on the playground at Fannin Elementary. What a sweet friendship that has been for me- looking back on those years I think how different my life might be if God had not allowed her friendship in my life. It was through Candace that God brought me and my family to First Baptist Midland. That journey paved the way for numerous other friendships, teachers, and mentors that greatly influenced my walk with God. Some of my fondest memories from that season involve a multitude of church trips, musicals, youth camps, and other various church activities that I was blessed to be a part of. Over the years, God has been gracious to me and brought a host of other wonderful friends into my life as well; too many to name in one post (the list would make this post the new never-ending story-lol)! But from all those late nights at the salon- eating pizza and coloring our hair (Kim!), and the many Dr. Peppers, ridiculous movies/TV shows, and BSM events (Sarah!), all the way to the long talks (Jenna!) and wonderful bible studies (First Wives Club!!); God has blessed me with the gift of fellowship. There has been endless laughter and joy as well as oceans of tears and heartache, sometimes on my end- sometimes on theirs. I have always known that God is with me, but today He reminded me that He has also given me friends and family, people in the flesh, to walk this road with me. For all those who have shared in my life, thank you. Thank you for giving me the true and godly gift of fellowship! You have blessed me more than you know~

Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another- and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

                                                                    Hebrews 10:25

The Man in the Corner

I have several things on my heart at the moment but tonight I want to share something that God reminded me of a few weeks back. I fully intended on writing this post 2 weeks ago but life gets ahead of me at times. A couple of weekends ago, Tommy and I went out for dinner and a chance to slow down and rest. As we were walking up to the restaurant Tommy saw a man sitting alone in the far back corner. Tommy recognized the man and proceeded to tell me "do not stare at that man, he is very fearful of making contact with people". Apparently this gentleman comes into Wal-Mart frequently and Tommy is aware of his great fear and desire to avoid others. Naturally, when someone tells you NOT to look at something or someone it is the exact thing you are then tempted to do. I didn't make a big deal of staring at him but it was hard not to notice him. The man had moved a small table all the way up against the corner, he sat with his back to the entire restaurant, he wore a hat that had a net to conceal his face, and he was careful to look down the entire time he was there. As I took in the sight, my heart went out to him. What was his story? Had something happened to him that caused this great fear in his life? Was there anyone who could reach out to this man and have love for him and relationship with him? I realized that it was very possible that he had faced great tragedy or heartache in his life- but what....what was so life-altering that he now operated out of it day in and day out? As I was considering these things something else occurred to me. Here was a man that was terrified of people watching him, a man that did not want the attention or contact of others, and in the process of trying to "hide" he had actually made himself more noticeable than anyone in the entire room. I started thinking about the role fear had played in my own life at times and God began to show me a very real truth- fear is both crippling and consuming. Fear makes us a wide open target for the enemy to attack and begin taking over truth with lies. Fear can keep us from so many things and it can change the way we live. When I operate in fear, I begin to isolate myself from the truth that surrounds me. Living in fear is never what God wants for us- it is why His word tells us over and over again "Do NOT be AFRAID....be strong and courageous.... the Lord your God IS WITH YOU". My heart still aches for this man,  for the sadness he lives in everyday because he has not found the glorious peace that God gives when we hand our fears over and agree to trust- to believe and to take God at His word. Releasing our fears is not an easy task; for me, it is a task that I sometimes have to do over and over, but praise Jesus that He is able and He is with me always. I hope when fear trys to grip my heart in the future, I will remember the man in the corner and release my fears to God.

Puppy Love

This post is about 3 weeks late but thankfully my dogs don't read do they won't know! Last year Tommy and I became the proud "parents" of two precious puppies, Thor and Sierra. They are adorable lab/collie mixes with a little something else too. They were abandoned in the country and my mom and Greg found them. We were originally only going to take one but they were so sweet we couldn't resist! This past month they turned one! From peeing on the floor and tearing up the backyard, all the way to cuddling up by us, our dogs have been wonderful. They are a handful at times but we wouldn't trade them! We even participated in a dog traing class this year- so much fun and way more to training than I ever realized!! Lol.anyways, we've made it through puppy year one and are looking forward to year two!

Just a note~

I am finally making some time to work on blogging! This won't be long or too exciting since I really ought to be sleeping right now, but in an effort to keep this up I wanted to make a post (even if it is brief).

Mom and I were able to make a trip to Fort Worth this weekend to look at venues for my little sisters wedding!! Her venues are absolutely GORGEOUS and I can't wait to see her entire wedding come together. I forgot how much fun planning a wedding can be~ makes me want to have mine all over again :)  Mom and I had a fantastic weekend meeting with each venue, shopping, and sleeping in! It is really late so I am turning in now but I promise I WILL get better at this!