"God I look to You. I won't be overwhelmed. Give me vision to see things like You do. God I look to You. You're where my help comes from. Give me widom, You know just what to do..."
God I Look To You- Jenn Johnson
Brace yourself for this one. It is probably going to be loooooong.....
As I stated in earlier posts, we have been on a path of infertility for some time now. 26 months to be exact (a short time for some on this road but not so short for the ones walking it). If you know very much about fertility related things, you probably are aware that most doctors will reccommend fertility testing after a year of "trying" to conceive. Our year mark came in December of 2011 and in February of 2012 we proceeded with a host of fertility tests. That is an emotional and challenging process in and of itself but I won't bother you with those details. Lets just say that after several tests, lots of bloodwork, and a round of "crazy-inducing" hormones, all of our results came back perfectly normal. "WHEW! What a relief!"....that is what I thought I would feel like when I found out there wasn't a problem. Instead, I felt a little discouraged and overwhelmed. If there wasn't a reason for not getting pregnant then why on earth was it not happening?
Fast forward a few more months. Now we have been trying for a year and a half and I still don't have an answer as to why we aren't pregnant. By this point, I am beyond discouraged and quite frankly down-right hopeless. In all honesty, I was a bit of a basket case and I'm pretty sure I spontaneously burst into tears at least once a day. Not really a place you want to be. On top of the emotional ups and downs, I was anrgy. Angry that my plans weren't going according to plan, anrgy that other people got pregnant so easily, and mostly angry at God. I was furious that a God who supposedly loved me seemed to be with-holding so much love from me. Was I not good enough to be a parent? Had I not served Him well enough? What was so horrible about us that we couldn't have the blessing of children? What had I done to deserve this burrden?
I was in new territory. In all my life, I can never recall questioning God like I began to do during those months. I almost didn't recognize myself anymore. Who was this person that was so bitter and when was the real me going to return? I was amazed at the sin and flesh that warred so strongly in my heart. I was humbled by this realization as well. I knew that I needed to learn to choose to believe God again on His truths even if it didn't feel like what I wanted at the time. This brings me to my turning point.....well, at least the start of my turning point. Mother's Day, May 2012.
Sunday, May 13, 2012.
As I drove to church, I resolved that I was NOT going to cry today. I've spent too much time shedding tears over this matter and I will not be broken today. I am not going to show my hurt and pain to anyone at church. I just want to get this day over with and go home so I can privately wallow in my own misery. That day I was painfully aware of the fact that we had not gotten pregnant, yet again. My physical and circumstantial evidences screamed at me loud and clear that we were still childless. I remember making my way to my seat in the front pew and telling myself that I just had to hold it together for the next hour or so and then I could leave. Worship began and I was not at all interested in giving praise to God in that moment. Then it started. Our worship pastor began to sing...
" If my heart is overwhelmed and I cannot hear your voice, I'll hold on to what is true though I cannot see. If the storms of life they come, and the road ahead gets steep, I will lift these hands in faith.... I will believe."
and it continued....
" I remind myself of all that you've done. And the life I have because of your son. Love came down and rescued me, love came down and set me free. I am Yours. I am forever Yours. Mountain high or valley low, I sing out to remind my soul that I am Yours. I am forever Yours."
There it was. That nudging in my spirit to make a choice to REMEMBER what God had already done for me and to choose, even in the valley low, to lift my hands in faith and believe. Not to believe that my plans would come to pass but to believe that God loved me, and still had a plan for me, and that He was indeed good. And that is exactly what I did. I lifted my hands and the tears came. They came and would not stop. I didn't care who saw anymore because despite my great efforts, I was indeed broken and there was no hiding it. I HAD to worship. I HAD to sing out so that I could REMIND my soul that I was His. I needed to remind my soul of His truth. Please note the key word is remind. I, like the Israellites, needed to remind myself of His love and goodness.
So much has unfolded since that moment and I look forward to sharing those details with you soon. In the meantime, if you find yourself in a low place, maybe even a dark place, I encourage you to choose to remind yourself of God's truth. It isn't always easy to do but I promise you it will be worth the effort.
